Historic Events & High Functioning Depression
Are you tired of being part of “historic events” and somewhat frantically searching for the time-out button on 2021? I can’t be the only one who thought “damn, we made it through 2020, it’s got to get better from here, right?!” Welp, turns out there were still a few more tricks in the gd trick basket for us.
Last week was hard for Texans. Hear me out on this.
I grew up in South Dakota - it sometimes snowed in August, got cold in September, snow that fell in October was there until at least April, you could sled off the roof of the house because the snow drift was that tall, we had baby calves in our bathroom tub to warm them up because of said snowdrifts, and we looked like the abominable snowman when we left the house. We were ready for that kind of weather because we also had things like coveralls, generators and a freaking snow shovel. Texas WAS NOT PREPARED and it’s really not our fault! It’s literally never happened in anyone’s lifetime here! So don’t give me the “well you should be used to this cold weather”… NO KAREN, I’m NOT. I didn’t like it (AT ALL) and moved my happy ass to the South in an attempt to avoid snow and subzero temperatures! TYVM
I digress…
As you know, I’ve battled depression for years. A lot of people think depression is “made up” or you can “snap out of it” and trust me, if there was some magic solution to in fact snap-out-of-it, I would find it. I know feeling sad or unhappy about 6” of snow and being 40 degrees in the house is a choice - it really is. I could also choose to be excited that we got to pretend like we’re camping in our living room with a fire to keep us (sort of) warm. That choice is certainly available to me. Depression, however, is not a choice. BUT, I do believe how you deal with it is.
Recently I’ve been doing more research on “high functioning” depression and I’m probably not the only one who this will resonate with.
First, what is high functioning depression?
My definition** is this: you are fully capable of completing your daily routine or responsibilities, and don’t show any outward signs of being depressed. You excel at your career, have incredible relationships, might even be the funny one in the room. In fact, people probably think you have all your shit together, but the way you FEEL is different than what people SEE.
Bottom Line: It’s a tricky little bastard.
Depression can suck all the color from my world leaving everything feeling dull and disjointed and lifeless. It’s not crippling but it’s hanging on just below the surface weighing me down just a little. It’s not a deadly virus or a full-fledged ice storm and everything completely shuts down but, the sun ain’t out either. Sometimes you’re good and other times you feel empty, and then you feel guilty because so many other people have it worse than you do. It’s not always dark rooms and endless crying. Sometimes it’s just getting up, going to work, smiling and looking for something good to happen, then going home where it feels safe.
That’s high functioning depression.
Five Ways Depression Has Kicked My High Functioning Ass & What To Do About It
Fatigue
Something as simple as taking a shower (if you have power and water) can truly be exhausting. Then I lay my head down at night to sleep and my mind is running circles wondering exactly how we landed on Mars to take pictures, but can’t keep electricity on in Texas. There is a constant pull on my mind and body that drains my energy all day, every day.
Lack of Concentration
Even if I got some sleep and feel rested the brain fog makes it nearly impossible to fully focus. I’ll start one thing, get distracted and move onto something else, then get mad for not finishing anything. If the task would normally take an hour it might take the entire day significantly impacting my level of productivity, compounding the thought that there’s something “wrong” with me.
Apathetic
Checked out. Numb. Isolating. Some days I fake the smile and say “I’m good”. Sometimes I’m quiet because I can’t always make sense of the thoughts in my head anyway. I make plans to do things that used to bring me joy only to cancel or bail out early because I’m too tired and not much fun to be around anyway.
Emotionally
Crying over the strangest things. Easily irritated. Feel lonely even though I have amazing people in my life but just don’t have the energy to socialize. Pushing through the day feeling burned out and overwhelmed. I think there is an actual grieving process that is subconsciously happening when you lose your ability to get joy from things you once loved.
Physically
Headaches. Angry digestive system. Insomnia. Tense shoulders. Inflamed. Clenched teeth.
Here are a few ways I’ve been able to work with my reality and keep moving forward even during another “historic event”:
Celebrate even the smallest achievement
Personal or professional, if you set a goal and accomplished it, recognize and celebrate it! Today the celebration is writing. I’ve had it on my to-do list for weeks but I was truly exhausted and it was talking all my mental power to just stay calm and focus over the last week.
Thought Download
Don’t underestimate the power of a good old fashioned brain dump. Pen to paper. There is a cathartic release to getting everything rolling around in my head out on paper. It might take an entire notebook!
Practice Gratitude
You get to feel what you feel but you can also look for glimmers of light. Today we have water and power and the sun is out and my husband is home and the birds are chirping and I’m going to get a hot shower!! The more you look for the good things the more you’ll see.
Tell someone
Mental health is just as important as your physical health. When the battery on your phone was about to die because you didn’t hove power during this “historic event” I GUARANTEE you’d have hugged a complete stranger if they have a charging cord and electricity! Let’s do that when we feel our own battery losing power. If you can’t make sense of the what’s going on in your head, that’s okay. If you need to talk I’d love to hear how your day has been or what you’re feeling. Important Note: There’s no judgement and you’re not bothering me. Just because you don’t think its “bad enough” doesn’t mean it’s not hard and you deserve to be heard.
High functioning doesn’t make you immune to depression. It just means you experience it a little differently than others and sometimes it’s nice to know you’re not alone in that battle. I’m here if you want to talk.
**very unscientific, moderately unqualified but totally accurate (see above for my definition of high-functioning depression)